Rocky wealth just at the back of our own home!

After work we spent the evening on the outskirts of town, snooping around a mosquito ridden shack where we found a couple of other samples.  We didn’t get very far however, since we were forced to stop and rest while Renna complained about her feet.  If she will wear stupid heels while out hunting for minerals it serves her right, no matter how good the boots look on her. And I told her as much.

Yes, I couldn't give two fucks about your needs if you wear inappropriate (albeit sexy) footwear

I ignored her and caught up on my evil comic book reading while she sat and fumed.  Renna eventually calmed down after she sulked off and destroyed some property, so we were able to gather several more interesting rocks, though we were chased off by the irate owner of the Flamingo which Renna had vandalised.  I would have caught an arse full of buckshot if I hadn’t run as fast as I did.  Interestingly, Renna ran faster than me, despite her aching feet and stupid boots.  Irksome woman.  *note to self…dip all tampons in the house in white pepper*

Sulky wench

Flamingo abuse rampage

Still, something good came from the evening.  Our initial explorations and discoveries have been such that we can afford to move to a more agreeable location not far from the Mosquito pit place.  It is still small and hovel-like but at least we are closer to the fringe of town and away from do-gooding prying eyes.  We are also closer to work which is good because I refuse to car pool with my work colleagues any longer…Cindy’s putrid Yellow Magic Tree has caused me to vomit on more than one occasion, much to everyone’s merriment.  Oh how you will all suffer when my house of evil is finally constructed.

New temporary hovel

A grand entrance and I don't just mean the pillars.

After spending a significant amount of hours at the library studying the history of this tediously saccharine town and pouring over old records and plans at City Hall, I have made some interesting discoveries.  The town in all its gruesome sweetness sits atop several rich seams of minerals and precious metals, and while all workings were shut down years ago to preserve the town’s ‘natural beauty’ and to ‘build a safer, environmentally friendly community’ – (give me strength), these assets remain…locked away beneath this fascia of sculpted lawns and child-friendly decking.

Extensive research

Renna has used some of her newly acquired contacts who work at the town hall to delve further into the restricted archives for her under the guise of writing a paper on the devastating effects that mining had on the surrounding green belt land and local wildlife (pass the sick bag).  The results are the location of an old gold mine which has long been lost from the public memory, but which still lies abandoned on the outskirts of town in the more unreachable areas.  Overjoyed!  I shall have to offer myself up to her twisted desires tonight as a reward…must remember to buy salve for my inevitable rope burns.

Clandestine meets...

Exhausted this morning thanks to the deviant desires of my sweet Renna, but eminently satisfied…I can barely walk this morning.  I have put work on hold and left my useless boss to sugar his own tea and re-order his favourite Fruit Pastilles in order to head out to the abandoned mine and see what I can find.  Should it prove fruitless however, one of the papers from a bleeding-heart environmentalist that Renna turned up at City Hall contained some explosive information: there used to be a processing plant on the far edge of town where raw plutonium and other metals were handled.  After various petitions and protests by the putrid, jellyfish citizens of this town, it was forced to close.  The place was on the grounds where the abandoned warehouse now sits – in other words, our place of work – our criminal hideout!  Moments from our home! Who knows what riches lay lost in the festering rubble and undergrowth which has encroached on the buildings over time?  A hopefully evil and productive day awaits!

Regal surroundings of the town library

Eaten myself to bloated sickness on badly cooked waffles thanks to our inept stove.  Renna is out prowling somewhere, probably flirting with that idiot from her work team.  Good mind to lock her out but she’d only be scratching at the window like some nymphomaniacal Nosferatu.

Later
Intriguing.  If I had a pointy beard, this is the point that I would be stroking it.  Renna had been wandering the new neighbourhood, kicking over a few dustbins and scoping the place out when she apparently came across, in her words, ‘this strange rock’.  The stupid woman actually sat at our table stuffing her (gorgeous) face with apple pancakes and didn’t seem to grasp what she had actually found.  It was an uncut bloody gemstone.

Too busy stuffing her face, stupid woman

It's a what?!

Immediately demanded to know where it came from and if there were any more.  She said she had come  across a few things in her wandering, including some odd metallic veined rocks.  Most though, seemed to be in rockier areas or at the edge of town.  It would appear that this town is rich in more ways than one.  I don’t regret moving here so much after all.  I doubt that this house in the centre of town will yield any good geological results, and don’t wish for the neighbours here to get wind of any potential rich workings, so I will head straight for the internet and dispatch Renna to the local library to see what we can turn up.

If this works out, however, we may yet get our dream home sooner than we think.  If I can just locate a viable source of a suitably rich gem or metal, then our days of cheap Formica will be over.  Over I tell you!

This could expedite our plans for the evil abode

Anyway, to business…after coming into a rather tidy inheritance thanks to the (reluctant) passing of Grandmamma in a ‘toaster in hot-tub’ accident, I have decided to forgo present comforts and sink the whole lot into the construction of a suitably evil abode with which to tide Renna and me over until we can make our fortune and rule the world.  (my portion of ruleage will be significantly larger, despite what she may think).

Accidents will happen...especially if you drop a toaster out of the first floor window.

I have contracted an architect to draw up plans and selected a suitable plot.  While a large one was available outside town where no one can hear anyone scream, I thought best to stay close to the shops.  I can’t drive and evil chauffeurs are hard to come by.  Besides, I need a regular supply of cookies to fuel my evil grey cells.

Days later…
The plans have been drawn up and the plot prepared.  I was unwilling to wait until daylight hours, and though Grandmamma’s body was barely cold (hardly surprising really), I thought best to press on.

Ground layout

My architect has rendered an impression of several key elements of the house, namely the death pit accident pit and the observation passage.  Note the heavy door and the jaunty viewing window from which we can get a perfect view of the entire pit.  The pit is accessed via several removable ladders and due to the proximity of the office to this area, I can easily nip out and perform this simple task, leaving any undesirable stranded and ultimately, to perish.

Impression of my office to be and secret area

Plan of the accident pit area and surrounds

A more artistic impression of the pit area

Viewing window that I have ordered to be installed overlooking pit

A pool house has also been commissioned, though not especially for exercise purposes.  The walls will be constructed to the very edge of the water, and the entrance left open with an interlocking board secreted in the shrubbery nearby.  When any undesirable or tedious visitor is splashing in the water like a lame seal, the board can easily be attached and secured, preventing their escape.  (My evil sources close to the Creatorix inform me that simply removing the pool ladder is not sufficient enough).

A stairway up to the upper level will hopefully lead from the back deck area, giving access to the splendid viewing platform above the pool for enjoying any amusing aquatic accident which may just happen to occur.  All this sounds delightful, but Renna spilt lube over the plans for it so I couldn’t glue them into DECS, stupid woman.  Will add some more as soon as progress is made, however.  For now, this is all I have…

Bad design...back to the drawing board which I will pin the landscape artist's hand to if he produces this nonsense again.

Hmm, unhappy with this layout.  The columns are very much not me and the screen of trees is not nearly dense enough to muffle any cries for help, despite the reinforced walls of the pool house.  Back to the drawing board here and a broken finger for the landscaper.  Surrounded by fools and a nyphomaniac.  The latter isn’t so bad though.  Have just been smacked round the head.  Feel evil tears welling up.

Evil plotting

We immediately hunched over together and began masterminding some suitably diabolical plans for town and eventually world domination and by the end, my blackened heat was fluttering.  Her bottle green eyes and blonde plaits in no way helped sway my plans for her immediate termination; nor did her incessant flirting.  Well perhaps a little.

I confided in her about Grandmamma’s sad and thankfully timely demise and she agreed that the inheritance was best spent on a suitably evil abode, even if it meant hardship in the present.  She pooled her inheritance with mine (her parents died on a recent ski trip – log cabins are extremely flammable – or at least, so Renna assures me), so construction has been given a boost.  She also hit on the idea of a viewing balcony over the death pit accident pit and a concealed room at the top of the house with a telescope for keeping tabs on the neighbours and anyone using the footpath (which rather annoyingly runs along the back of the pool house).

Though she isn’t a genius like me, (who is?), she was evil, unpleasant, and devilishly charming with a sadistic creativity and  sharp mind.  (Her even sharper knives were sadly confiscated at the airport).  She did annoy me over some trivia regarding human reactions during immolation to the point where we had a row and I have not forgotten her yelling at the top of her voice that I probably have webbed feet as a result of inbreeding. 

Arggh - hate when someone is as good making malicious remarks as I am

She shall suffer.  She snorted at this wavering statement, especially as I had mistakenly confessed that my ornamental flogger is at the leathersmith being repaired.  With a triumphant smirk, she cracked open her duffle bag and showed off a collection of implements that made my spine go to jelly and the rest of me stiffen like congealed blood…I regret now insinuating that she was the offspring of a whore and a herd during our brief row, especially if the gleam in her evil eyes is to be taken seriously.  I don’t think hers are for decoration.  I think I definitely am in love.

This may just work out after all

We kiss, fondle, and foreplay with bitching gossip about the neighbours that we passed on the way here and couldn’t barge the door down quick enough to get to the bedroom. We were barely on the bed for two minutes when she pounced…I never had time to finish my saucy remark about a plutonium rod and a sex half-life. 

Stronger than she looks

A fine and very raucous first night took our minds off the awful decor and am now officially exhausted.  Want cookies.  And salve for my punished parts.  If that rancid Big Brother program had housemates like this, they wouldn’t have hauled it off the air.  The future is looking decidedly evil and I like it.  I like it a lot.

Timeless first kiss pic

Is this it?!

Well.  This is it, is it?  Hmm?  After hours of tugging, tweaking, and generally obscene prodding THIS is the best that my cack-handed Creatorix could come up with?  My eyes…well, they are fetchingly evil, I give her that and my chin is suitably strong without being of ‘modern Threepwood-esque’ proportions.  But the nose…really?  Attacked by a pencil sharpener was I, woman?  No…no, no, don’t do anything fucking awful to me, I take it back.  Grudgingly.  At least my clothes are suitably evil in a casual sort of way.  More ‘evil-lite’ which is fine for lulling co-workers into both a false sense of security and a death room, so they will just have to do until something more expensive looking arrives in the paltry shop.  The exercise gear is at least a saving grace…something had to have skulls on it.

Attempts at evil eyeliner failed miserably and the choice of beards on offer make me look like a rapist, so they are right out.  The little goatee chin nugget thing is intriguing but I think my face is far fairer without it…evil doesn’t always have to mean facial hair…this is the 21st century after all.  Still, it is worth considering at a later date perhaps, when I am slightly more established.  As for the rest of the make-up, don’t even think about it…oh yes, how achingly hilarious.  Fuck’s sake get on with it woman, stop faffing with me…
 

Hair looks fine, little roguish, but not a problem - there is no reason I can’t be handsome and evil.  Ah, the obligatory swimwear ‘package shot’…shame that there was no phallus tweaker since I feel rather short changed in that department, but I fear this will have to do.  Even the Creatorix is limited by ‘others’ in regard to her powers, much to her (satisfyingly twisted) chagrin so I shall have to make up for any phallic size/shape control by being twice a prick personality wise.  Still, at least I have some general muscle tone to speak of…I’ll need it if I’m to be hauling ladders out of neighbouring pools and leaving people to drown.

The toying and general messing about now being finally over, perhaps we can get on with it.  A little brush up and I shall be ready for my ‘family snap’.  Here we go…arch evil eyebrow, sneer to the left and…oh for fuck’s sake woman, what now?  Just get on with it will you, I have worlds to take over….what the hell do you mean ‘adding another member’?  I refuse to share my home-to-be with some tiresome hypochondriac or gardening dullard.  I shall simply destroy them, mark my…I…oh, hell’s hole, it’s a girl.  I…well…I don’t care, I refuse to have the bathroom cluttered up with mysterious potions unless they are ingredients for some sort of thermo nuclear device and…ohhh, plaits…blonde plaits…very nice.  Maybe this could be the start of a beautiful evil partnership.  As long as she flosses. 

Well, despite being stood next to my housemate-to-be for our ‘family snap’ earlier and enduring being practically raped by her eyes, (though they were a delicious green), we don’t get properly introduced until we arrive at whatever flea-ridden shack that will no doubt serve as our first home.  I hope that I will have the space to construct a dungeon of sorts…or at least somewhere to dispose of anyone who irritates me.  On second thoughts, I had better make that a very big dungeon…