Suddenly, the patching wouldn’t work and the most recent and much needed one was throwing up an invalid file error.  After using the Delphy log checker recommended by several forums, I found the name of the rogue file, replaced it with the fresh one from the Sims 3 disk and sat back with fingers crossed and apoplexy held on a loose rein.  Nope, the patch still threw up the same error about the same file.  So I replaced it again.  And again.  And again.  Nothing.  After scouring more forums and finding folk crying over their keyboards about the same thing, it seems that my only option (since clearing the cache files didn’t solve it), was to MANUALLY uninstall and then reinstall.  A  manual uninstall, are you fucking serious?!  Picking through the registry files and goodness knows what to comb my system like a squirming five year old’s nit infested scalp…joy.

...but EA support are all too fucking serious, unfortunately

Why did this happen?  I can’t perhaps lay the blame firmly at the door of the game as much as I want to.  Indeed, if I had done nothing wrong, these errors would be more worrying,  however, as it is, I suspect that shamefully, some of the fault lies with me.  You see, Sims 3 doesn’t like mods apparently.  If you have any installed when it comes time to run a patch and update it, it can throw a stealthy tantrum, discreetly knackering your efforts in any number of areas that it chooses.  Or not, such is the temperament of this creature.

When I installed Sims 3 World Adventures recently, the game asked if I wanted to update and so, without thinking, I accepted.  Only then, as the progress bar swelled like a teenager in Chobot’s presence, did I remember my recent raft of saucy mods, cocks, see-thru undies, and sundry items.  Bugger.  I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best and to its credit, the game ran fine, but for one annoying glitch where one character couldn’t access the grocery shop.

So, if the game runs fine, why the problem ?  Well, my launcher, as already mentioned won’t update the game due to its eye-rolling insistence that I have no memory left on my vast and funnily enough, vacant drive.  So my only option is to download patches and manually install.  Which I now can’t do because of this file error.  So the upshot is that I have reached endgame now and can’t update the game at all from this point.  Not a great state of affairs with a game as notoriously buggy as Sims 3.  With each expansion will come many updates, so if I want to continue my Sim gaming and give Devon fodder for his evil intentions, I have little choice.  However, this time, I should pay attention and do the ‘fiddly as arse’ manual uninstall as recommended by EA.  I feel another weekend is about to be lost to a mist of anger, obscenities, and PC rage.  It is the little things in life that make it an excruciating pleasure really.

After muttering darkly for several days and spending another weekend trawling for advice, I was no further forward.  Not even the forum threads (now full of people with the same problem) were any comfort.  And the worst thing?  Despite my initial reactions to the game, I actually wanted to play it. A character was stamping his feet in the back of my mind, ready to spring to life in the form of the Evil Sim diaries, so I needed the damn thing to work, otherwise he would be bursting forth like Athena to wage war upon Sunset Valley by himself.

So I gave in and grudgingly re-installed, allowing the game it’s own stroppy way, primping and huffing into the C Drive, stamping up the stairs into ‘Program Files’, and petulantly slamming the door.  “Fine”, I shout, “…but you will work.”  Except that it didn’t.  Same problem.  ‘PC drive full’.  Bollocks.  You utter shit.  Uninstall, re-install, and try again.  Nope.  The game sits there with it’s headphones on while I shout up the stairs, puce with rage.  Nothing.  By this time I felt like Wile E Coyote weeping tears of frustration as the Road Runner ‘peep peeps’ from across another bottomless chasm.

To the internet I trudged once more.  Patches, patches…and suddenly, the clouds parted and a chorus of flabby arsed angels creaked into life to declare success.  www.simprograms.com, I could have wept.  Clear, concise, well presented and designed and best of all, every released Sims 3 patch in every version – versions being something I was unaware of up until now.  The game isn’t just the game…it has a string of numbers which denote the version/ region…1, 2, etc (e.g 1.4.6.00002) and the versions of the patches are specific to these regions which is why the ones I was randomly pulling off the net refused to install. 

Shakily I downloaded the first one and it installed fine.  A flutter of excitement stirred in my soul, but I have reached this stage before.  Patch two… 1.3.24.00002…installed.  For the first time in relation to this game, I actually smiled.  And then there was the third and final one.  Finally, I’m done.  My character stretches and yawns, close to being freed, my sanity returns, looking slightly haggard and minus it’s underwear, and I can breathe out.  I’ve caught the Road Runner, beaten his brains out with an ACME hammer, and done obscene things to the corpse.

Unfortunately the hour is late and my Sim-to-be will have to wait another day to come out and start his evil machinations, but until then, I am finally happy.  To simprograms.com, thank you.  Without you, my forty odd pounds would have met a very unpleasant end on the BBQ.  And now…to take over the world, one pool ladder at a time.

Sims 3 comes with a nifty ‘Launcher’ which is supposed to act as a hub, allowing you to start the game, update with the latest (and this being Sims – copious amounts of) patches, download goodies for your game, and upload snaps and creations to share with the rest of the community.  Of course, the more cynical would say that it is also a fab way for them to advertise their latest wares too.

If the launcher actually did the job it was designed for, then I wouldn’t have so much of an issue.  But it doesn’t.  Oh, it still manages to show my what I can spend my ’sims points’ on in the online store, but will it update?  Will it buggery.  As with every Sims release, the patches come thick and fast and not wanting my game to be crippled by one of the many reported bugs, I hastened to my launcher as soon as the first patch was announced (despite hardly touching the game after losing my temper with…well, most of it).  It refused to update, telling me that my drive was full and to clear some space and try again.  What drive?  This drive?  This mahoosive one here?  This drive which at the time of writing reads 343gb remaining?  That one?  Ah, okay.

Close launcher, re-open and repeat.  Nope.  Open Crap Cleaner and clear cookies, cache, and temp internet files.  Nothing.  You’re taking the piss now, but fine.  Onto the Sims 3 official site to search for the patches to download and manually install, just like I used to do for Sims 2…nice and easy.  Too easy.  They are nowhere to be found.  As far as I am aware after much diligent searching, the patches aren’t available on the site unless my PC is sadistically refusing to show them.  Well, thanks a lot.  With the updater refusing to do it’s job, this rather leaves me up shit creek without either a paddle, an AtoZ, or a packed lunch.

Onward to Google and hours later…a handful of sites that don’t try and download viruses, pop up stupid windows full of gaudy emoticons fail to help.  They have patches, but they won’t install.  I can update with the first patch, no problem, but the next patch release refuses to install.  The same thing happens when I get it from another site.  And another, with all either quitting out claiming an incompatible language or some paltry error message that I was too livid to note down.

So do I play this wretched game un-patched and essentially hold a loaded plumbob to my carefully created characters’ heads?  Or do I wait and see if the patches appear in any working form elsewhere?  After trawling the net to see if anyone else  either a, hates this game as much as I do right now (for reasons including but not limited to the monotonous speed of the ‘top speed’ setting, lack of anything to do, and the inability to do basics easily such as simply switch families), and b, is having this problem.  Hours later again and nothing is resolved.   I’m left sulking and shutting down, cursing Sims 3, and slinking back to my sniggering Xbox with a contrite look on my face to beg for forgiveness.